Forgive Me
by Star Keziah
Summary: Angsty love confession. HikaAki.


Notes :: My first attempt at a songfic. Yeah. HikaAki-ness... yum.

Disclaimer :: Characters are from Hikaru no Go and are © Hotta and Obata. Lyrics are from "Forgive Me" by Evanescence.

edit A few changes made. Thass about it. oo;;

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**_Can you forgive me again?  
I don't know what I said  
But I didn't mean to hurt you_**

"You IDIOT!"

Hikaru glared across the goban at his rival, Akira's harsh words still ringing in his ears. "What? That formation would have worked perfectly! How can you-"

"How can I what? How can I point out the blindingly obvious? That hand would have died right away! And you didn't see that?"

"It would have worked!" Hikaru snapped. "I would have MADE it work!" He flushed. "Why are you always criticizing me? You never acknowledge when I make good moves!"

"I do that plenty- it's just that you make more _bad _moves than _good_ moves! How can you ever expect to achieve the Hand of God at this rate?" Akira's cheeks grew red as well as they glowered at each other. Slamming his hand down on the board and scattering the stones, Hikaru shot back, "Who are you to talk? I don't see you playing the divine move either!" His eyes bored into Akira's, and his rival, instead of making a harsh retort as Hikaru had expected, fell silent. "I'm getting something to drink," said Akira. "The game's over anyway."

He abruptly stood up, upsetting his go ke in the process, and the black stones spilled out over the wooden floor. "Oh..."

He bent down to pick them up, not meeting Hikaru's eyes. Hikaru exhaled sharply. "I'll help you." As he reached out, Akira's hand jerked, scattering the stones he'd already collected. "No! ...I mean... it's okay. I've got it."

Hikaru pulled his hand back, but didn't stand up. "Touya, is something wrong?"

Akira's head dipped lower, his bangs obscuring his eyes, and Hikaru saw his cheeks redden. "N... no. Nothing's wrong."

Reaching out, Hikaru lightly touched the boy's jaw and turned his head to face him. "Touya...?" he asked gently, surprised to find Akira's mouth trembling violently, on the verge of tears.

What Akira said next was the last thing Hikaru had expected.

"I love you."

Silence.

There was only silence, deadening the air between them.

Hikaru's hand dropped to his side, numbly forgotten. Slowly, he got to his feet, and stumbled a little as he stepped backwards. Akira remained crouched by the goban, the forgotten stones scattered around his feet. "You..."

And as if from a distance, Hikaru heard himself reply.

**_I heard the words come out_**

"I"

**_I felt that I would die_**

"hate"

**_It hurt so much to hurt you_**

"you."

He turned away and left the room without another word, not seeing the way Akira dropped his face into his hands, not hearing the way he began to weep, not wanting to see that face again, that look on his face like the world had shattered around him.

**_Then you look at me  
You're not shouting anymore  
You're silently broken_**

Back in the kitchen, Hikaru slumped against the counter, pressing the palm of one hand against his forehead. _Jesus. What did I just do? What did HE just do?_

A tingling sensation crept over his skin as Hikaru felt himself break out into a sweat. Reaching over, he turned on the kitchen faucet full-blast and stuck his head under it, hoping to wash away the feeling. His body slowly relaxed as he stood there, letting the cold water seep into his hair, soaking it to the scalp and cooling him off. _I wish... I... could take it back..._

After standing there for a minute or so, numb to the world, he began to shiver from the cold and reluctantly turned the faucet off. Leaning against the sink, cool rivulets of water streaking down his cheeks, a single thought flashed through his mind. _Sai... if you were here... what would you do? What would you have said to him? _Another drop of water slipped down his cheek, but this one was warm; more and more trickled down as Hikaru silentlybegan to cry.

**_I'd give anything now  
to kill those words for you_**

In the hush that fell over the kitchen, Hikaru could faintly hear Akira in the other room. _Still crying... he's trying to be quiet but... I can hear him anyway. _Almost in a daze, Hikaru reached out and turned on the water again, drowning out the sound of the boy's tears. _What have I done?_

His head grew heavy and fell against his chest, and he stood there for an undeterminable amount of time, the faucet still blasting away in the sink. As the noise drowned out all other sounds, Hikaru felt his mind drift away with the melody of the flowing water.

Finally, he stirred and brushed his bangs out of his eyes. _I guess... I need to talk to him..._

Hikaru slowly left the kitchen and leaned against the doorframe. He didn't see Akira right away; when he spotted him, Hikaru saw that he was sitting in a corner, knees to his chest, head bent. Akira was so still that for a moment Hikaru wondered if he'd cried himself to sleep. But then the boy took a jagged breath and let it out in a kind of half-sob, and tightened his arms around his knees.

_Touya..._

**_Each time I say something I regret, I cry "I don't want to lose you"_**

"Touya."

Akira didn't react right away. Then his head came up, slowly, and Hikaru could see his eyes, just staring straight ahead, bloodshot from weeping. Neither of them spoke for a moment, and then Akira said in a voice thick with tears, "Why are you talking to me?" He swiped at his eyes, still not looking at Hikaru.

"Touya... I don't..." He paused, groping for the right words. "I don't hate y-"

_"Liar."_

Hikaru stopped short. "I'm not lying. If anything, I lied earlier... I was... scared. I'm sorry."

For the first time, Akira looked up, and their eyes met. "If you lied earlier, how do I know you're not lying now?" His hands slipped from his knees to the floor, landing slackly with a soft thud. He glared challengingly at Hikaru, fresh tears glimmering in his eyes.

Hikaru felt his heart leap with anxiety. "I don't hate you, Touya. I'm sor-"

"LIAR!" Akira leapt up from the floor and fell against Hikaru, pounding his fists into the boy's chest. "Liar, liar,_ liar!!_" As Hikaru stood numbly, unable to react, Akira went limp against him and began to cry anew, hands still beating weakly at him. "L... liar... Shindou, you're such a liar..."

He slumped to his knees, and Hikaru dropped down beside him. Akira buried his face in his hands and wept, sobs wracking his thin frame. Hikaru reached out and placed his hand on Akira's shoulder, and when Akira didn't push him away, he pulled Akira to him, holding him in his arms. Akira wrapped his arms around Hikaru, clinging to him, and Hikaru held him close.

**_But somehow I know that you will never leave me_**

They stayed like that for a while, Hikaru holding the sobbing boy against him, murmuring over and over that he was sorry, so sorry...

**_'Cause you were made for me  
Somehow I'll make you see  
How happy you make me_**

At last Akira's crying abated, and a stillness fell over the room, only broken by the ticking of the clock and the faint sound of rushing water. Hikaru stirred, and Akira pulled away, rubbing his face on his sleeves. "Sorry... Shindou..." He attempted a half-hearted smile. "I got your clothes all wet..." Laughing a little even through his tears, he reached out to touch Hikaru's shirt, which now had a wet spot on the front from when Akira had pressed his face into the boy's chest. Hikaru smiled a little, saying, "It's okay... it was my fault you were crying, so I guess we're even."

Akira's face relaxed a bit, but his lips still trembled, even though he was no longer crying. "I'm sorry... Shindou..."

Hikaru shook his violently. "No... it's me who needs to apologize, not you. I was... stupid. I was afraid, and I said something I didn't mean at all."

**_I can't live this life  
Without you by my side  
I need you to survive_**

"You're my rival, Touya. I've chased you for so long, and I still haven't caught up to you." _And you... I thought you'd been chasing Sai all this time, but... you were really chasing me, weren't you? _Hikaru smiled crookedly. "I can't say I return your feelings... not right now, anyway. I need time to think. But... I don't hate you, Touya. I'll say it again and again until you believe me... I don't hate you."

**_So stay with me  
You look in my eyes  
and I'm screaming inside  
that I'm sorry_**

Akira nodded slightly, his eyes not quite meeting Hikaru's. "I see... I... believe you... Thank you, Shindou. I'm sorry, too... but... I do love you..." At this he flushed again, one hand gripping the carpet tightly. Hikaru laid his hand on top of Akira's, and realized how strong his hands were, so elegant... and he was reminded of the time, so long ago, when Akira had asked to see his hand. _Touya... you were just looking at my hand to see how long I'd played go... but was that what you were really thinking? Even if you didn't realize it yourself?_

Hikaru's face colored slightly as well, and he shook his head. Their eyes met, but before either of them could speak, Hikaru gave a violent start. "SHIT! I left the water running!" As if on cue, they both heard the sound of the sink overflowing. Cursing, Hikaru jumped up and ran into the now-flooded kitchen, and as he sloshed through the mess, he heard Akira begin to laugh.

**_And you forgive me again  
You're my one true friend  
And I never meant to hurt you_**


End file.
